I held you in my hands,
Time was infinitesimal,
The beauty of your face,
Worth every second,
Pain upon wakening.

I think I hide it very well behind jokes both grossly inappropriate and jokes on myself. But the fact is, the fact we’re barren hurts. The pain is not fleeting, it is a constant pressure on my psyche and heart. Dreams such as the one I had last night are constant reminders of my inadequacy. In my dream we named her Katie and she was precious in those few seconds. I saw her in your arms; I always knew you’d make an amazing father.

I give myself just five minutes of freely shed tears and look – I’m ready to laugh again, making inappropriate jokes about my maternal inadequacy.


One response to “Infinitesimal

  1. You’re not inadequate. You’re perfect. Maybe it’s me, we don’t know. That’s why we should go get tested or something. But don’t beat yourself up. If we can’t, then we can’t. No use in beating ourselves up over something we can’t change. I love you.

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